Monday, March 2, 2009

Unemployed Life

When I was working, I always resented it and hated the obligation, the driving, the juggling and always being tired. I felt like I never had enough time with the girls and I could never keep the house clean. I always felt like my social life was lacking and I was torn in all directions.

Now that I've been laid off for 3 months now, however, I am complaining that I hate to clean, I am tired of being at home, I've spent too much time with the girls, etc. I don't like the uncertainty of the future. I don't like not having a job or prospects. I don't like feeling unsettled and in a holding pattern. I really should be embracing this lull in my life. It's refreshing, right? I can read all kinds of books for pleasure, I can nap, meal plan, wear whatever the hell I want to, be flexible and spontaneous with my schedule, get lots of fresh air, catch up with friends frequently, surf the internet as much as I want, answer to (almost) no one...what more can I ask for?

I physically and mentally feel exhausted though on most days. Uninspired and discouraged. I check every website under the sun for new job postings and apply to everything that even remotely matches. I have only had 2 phone interviews and 1 actual interview - which all amounted to nothing. Every day slips by without any phone calls or emails with any interest. I doubt myself, skills, experience, social network, and ultimately my purpose in life.

Yes, I have 2 girls to take care of, and yes, that may be a full time job in itself. However, I have always worked. I do enjoy contributing to the social fabric of life (however puny that may be.) I like having structure and adult interaction in my day. I like bringing home a paycheck and saving for the future. I like challenging my mind and learning new things from other people and work.

I also have a freelance copywriting business, but times are tight and there's no business right now. And the last time I posted earnings for a project I worked on, the unemployment office got completely confused and held up my claim until one of their staff members could contact me to sort it all out - which ended up being over 2 weeks!

I know I shouldn't take it so personally; everyone is laid off these days. It's just a blip on the radar and it's not forever. I will find a job eventually. Most days, I don't really believe that though. It is weighing on me. Certainly, I pray about it and try to lean on God to help me sort it out and lead me, but that isn't always easy for me. Is He listening to me or does he want me to be a stay-at-home mom for heaven's sake?!

When you're laid off, you can't spend excess money for fear you will become bankrupt. I try to avoid shopping, eating out, entertainment, vacations, anything that normal working people find joy in. Annoying! I've always been frugal, but I now I am trying to be even more miserly. Eeks. What is the 'Law of Abundance'/'Law of Attraction'? - there is more than enough in the universe. Positive affirmations, creative visualization, give generously, trust God, positive vibrations, yada yada yada. I learn all these things but it never sinks in; I never practice any of this useful knowledge I love to soak up. You really want me to wake up early in the morning before everyone else and meditate and tap into my spirituality?! Seems way too hard. I may just be that desperate though to make some lifestyle changes so I stop feeling like a slug every day.

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