Thursday, April 22, 2010

I'm Feeling Green on Earth Day

So it's Earth Day, and it's fitting, because I'm feeling quite green today. 

Aside from my queasiness, I feel good because I've recycled, drove a fuel efficient car, used cloth diapers, ate organic food, drank from a reusable bottle, didn't use too much water in the bath tub, the girls bathed together, I skipped washing my hair and shaving today.  I am bonified!

But seriously though, it's been a hell of a month!  I went back up to Seattle to be with my mom after her surgery, fully expecting her to have cancer and a grim prognosis.  I learned she has the beginnings of emphysema and she hadn't told me.  She looked like a corpse when I first saw her after surgery and her breathing was so raspy and labored.  She seriously looked like an 80 year old and not a 60 year old woman!  

She wasn't the best patient and the drugs made her really out of it.  She seemed like a crazy woman and I think the nurses were utterly fed up with her.  They definitely didn't get her sense of humor (or lack thereof).  

After four days of committed service to her and we knew she wasn't going to die anytime soon, my uncle pushed me to go home to my own family, work, life, joys.  Hinted around about not enabling my mom and that I'd done a damn good job of sticking by her through the rough days.  I was able to help her get cleaned up, dressed, packed up and released from the hospital and back to my uncle's house.  Then he took me to the airport and I flew home.  

Oh - and not to forget how I got scolded by the TSA guy for not taking my laptop out of its case.  I had words with him to refute myself, he shook his head at me walking away and me shouting, "Don't you shake your head at me!" (and under my breath, "Douche bag!")  I think the pilot behind me thought it was amusing and startling at the same time.

I returned to work the next day against my will and better judgment.  I really could have used a day off with the girls.  My boss' attitude and demanding behavior didn't help my mood.  I felt a familiar anger boil up inside me every time he sent me one of his curt emails and I gave him an attitude right back in every single one of my emails back to him.  I slammed things around, grunted, didn't offer greetings or salutations to him.  It was almost comical, and I had a vague recollection of feeling this way with other bosses in jobs prior.  Usually I can be composed and professional and it's rare to lose my temper.  

These spells of anger were what prompted me to pick up a few pregnancy tests on the way home from work.  It didn't seem plausible that I could be, only doing the deed twice in a month and I have been timing my cycle so faithfully.  But I still hadn't received Aunt Flo and I was on day 38 or so.  (Normally a 35 day cycle).  

So, the next morning, tested and it was positive! SHOCK and DENIAL! Fear and wonder! How? Now what? To be honest, I'm still in shock and denial.  That was a week ago and I was feeling no symptoms.  Now... I feel run over by a truck. Nauseous and exhausted.  Fuzzy brained. Angry and impatient. Weird dreams. Insomnia. Can't concentrate at work. Ravenous but aversion to food at the same time. 

I got on BabyCenter right away to find out my due date (around Christmas!), see what's going on with my body/baby,  read about other moms to be and what they're experiencing.  That's a time sucker right there when you're at work! To be honest, people on those boards can be very obsessed and over-the-top, so it's not somewhere you want to hang out for too long I decided.

So I called OB, they ordered lab work, I had blood drawn for HCG levels and all is good and numbers growing, so next step, an early ultrasound next week.  In the mean time, I've only told 6 people and not telling anymore until I know there's a heartbeat. (Except you know now, dear reader). Shh... keep it on the DL.

In other contrasting and devastating news, my daycare provider and friend, who is only 29, just found out she has ovarian cancer.  In a routine exam, she had a lot of pain when they pushed down on her ovaries.  They investigated further with an ultrasound later that week and spent over 2 hours looking at suspicious growths.  This week she went in for a laparoscopic surgery and they found huge growths all around her ovaries.  She had to have a complete hysterectomy!  

Let me tell you, this girl is a sweetheart who absolutely adores children and has a gift for teaching little ones and nurturing them.  She was the little girl who spent hours taking care of her dollies and playing house - to the extreme.  All she has ever wanted is to be a mom and she was trying to move forward with those steps in her life with her boyfriend - marriage, family.  It is such a shocker.  Now she will need to have chemo and will lose her beautiful hair.  Thank god for her life though - I hope they caught it early.

In a way it's so backwards - my mom was spared of cancer even though she's lived a pretty unhealthy life, smoking since she was a teenager.  My friend, who is extremely healthy, organic, active, fit, young - has cancer and will be robbed of having children.  Unbelievable.  

So, I need lots of prayers, good vibes, comfort and humor sent my way.  Have any advice for preparing for a third child?  Is my life going to get completely unmanageable now?

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