Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Losing It

I seriously need help. It is just getting too hard. Pregnancy, fatigue, exhaustion, house, work, laundry, children, commute, dinners, dog, lunches, a-hole boss, husband working long hours.

I can never rest! You're not supposed to stress when you're pregnant but that's all I ever do! And sometimes I scream at the girls so loud that I see stars and my heart feels like it's going to explode.

I laid down to rest for 5 minutes after work tonight. Couldn't get enough oxygen. Got up and made mac and cheese hoping we could all eat fast so I could lay back down. Nope. Oldest Chickadee got into the markers and drew all over her face. Littlest Chickadee pooped in her pants and it was a major clean up disaster!

(Rest of the post vanished unexplainably and now I can't remember all that made me so angry.)  Until next time...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Crazy Dream

I had this AWFUL dream last night.  It seemed to go on forever.  I was with a group of people (coworkers?) in a remote farm house and we were taken hostage by some big mobster type men.  They were not happy about how we had been doing business and were going to kill each of us by shooting us. 

Dilapidated house with tree
I begged for forgiveness and plead innocence.  That I meant no harm and wanted to spend my life spreading goodwill over all mankind.  They wouldn't listen and had no sympathy.  They were taking each person back and shooting them in the heart.  My turn was coming.  I was so afraid.  I contemplated where I could run or hide, but there was nowhere.  I wondered how bad it would hurt and how quick I would die.  I thought about if I could commit suicide in any way before the guys got to me.  It was such a paralyzing and real dream!
Then in another part of the dream, I was out of the farm house and running for my life.  I was going through these tall fields trying to find a place to hide.  There were all these slave workers from all over the world working the fields that were held there against their will.  They were resigned to their fate, but I was fighting against it. 

A reporter from Time Magazine ran into me and asked if she could talk to me.  "Not now," I said. "I'm in a hurry and can't talk. Why are you here anyway?"  She looked at me quizzically and said, "You've sent me hundreds of letters asking me to come here and investigate."  I thought to myself, 'That's strange. I most definitely didn't contact anyone at Time Magazine to come out here.'

Then I was running in fast motion and caught a quick view of the most beautiful art and creative expression from the slaves in the field.  Rows and rows of beautiful hand-painted art depicting love, peace, joy, freedom, God.  I can't recall what each piece had on it, but that's just the impression it left.  It was luminescent, glowing, holy and breathtaking.  I thought that even in the harshest of conditions, beauty and truth of the human spirit will prevail.  The artists behind it had apparently been the ones calling for help from the outside world with their art.  It's hard to explain, but briefly in my mind I thought that it was a calling from God for me to investigate and report on crimes against humanity and that my complaints and problems are petty compared to others' real problems.

The dream went on with the murderers still on my trail, but got just scrambled after that.  I ran and hid in a garden shed under a bench.  I had to crawl in some tulip plants to get in the tight space.  I thought I was pretty well hidden, then I heard footsteps coming up to the door and the door opening.  I was busted.  I thought the guy would just peek in, see nothing and then walk away.  But he seemed to know exactly where I was hiding and was going to get me. 

I woke up shortly after that and was still quite scared I was going to get shot in the chest. 

I hope my dreams tonight are much lighter.  These ones freak me out!


Thursday, August 5, 2010

I'm a Fighter

Hoo-rah! I survived today with feigned enthusiasm and confidence.  Micro Manager did not pester me a bit.  In fact, after I gave him my professional, matter-of-fact response back to his emails, he seemed to change his attitude too.  Victory for Team SeeMomWork!

Now on to the household battles. Imma fighter yo!

Portrait of a female boxer

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Got the Urge to Split

I am growing increasingly and uncontrollably fed up with work and honestly don't think I can go there anymore.  I don't think it's just my hormones talking.  It is simply ridiculous!  Micro Manager is intolerable and I don't even know where to start describing him.  How about bullet points?
Businessman at Desk

  • Extremely vague in expectations.
  • Condescending
  • Sarcastic
  • Impatient
  • Moody
  • Outdated in his marketing knowledge.
  • Unwilling to read up on current trends.
  • Unwilling to read email attachments.
  • Unwilling to review projects turned in.
  • Overly concerned with how the water fountains operate in the reception area.
  • Obsessed with ridiculous art to display in the office.
  • Hired a Feng Shui consultant - 'nuff said.
  • Retarded ring tone that goes off constantly. Heard of vibrate mode?
  • Shoes tap like Lord of the Dance when he walks
  • Buys corporate mugs the whole office is supposed to use from China that have Prop 65 warnings all over them. 'This item contains chemicals known by the state of California to cause birth defects or other reproductive harm.'  
  • Big talker/under performer.
  • Grunts without looking up when you say good morning.
  • Stands in the doorway of my office with a smirk saying "What are you looking at that is so interesting?!" if I don't give him my complete attention.
  • Has warped perceptions of what can feasibly be accomplished with social media using ONE WAY COMMUNICATION - no engaging whatsoever.  
  • Expects 1000s of followers immediately.
  • Completely bizarre business model that I don't understand, nor does he want me to understand.
  • I suspect he is one of those cult-like 'Laws of Attraction' people.
  • All about 'What can everyone do for me?' No interest whatsoever in anyone else.
  • Resembles a sewer rat.
  • To be continued........
He sent me about 3 emails today full of confrontation and irritation.  He is obsessed with the #s from a promotion we're running that isn't doing well at all. Blaming me because no one is interested in giving their personal information for a measly freebie?   Quotes from his latest email:
I am trying to be clear that building our social networks is your primary focus right now, through PR/social media tactics.  I'd like to see 25 - 50% weekly increases, which I think comes from having some great content, we distribute and is then virally expanded.

And when you are not doing this, the Employee Handbook... have you started this?
Can I see an outline and have you tell me how you are approaching this?
Weekly increase of what?! Page views? Fans? Followers? Re-tweets of posts?  Good luck with this goal, dude.  You can force this stuff - unless of course you want to use some spam-bot software.  I don't want my professional name attached to a shady dealing douche bag.

I just want to totally quit but I know I can't because of my pregnancy and benefits.  It would be best if I could just make it a few more months and go on maternity leave and then say "SEE YA!"  For a while I thought that it was the ideal job and I could totally see myself being there a long time.  Now I can't see going in another day.  I don't see how I can make it through!

Already I don't say good morning or goodbye to him.  I try to avoid him at all costs and try to do everything through email.  When he asks to meet with me in person, I can't get out of his office fast enough.  I am formulating a plan... I am going to try to make it through the next few months of work using as many excuses as I can to work from home, maybe take a vacation or two, then as soon as I can get a doctor's note I am going to split!  Have the baby, enjoy maternity leave and never come back.  I'll look for a new job if need be in the spring.  During this time I can work on more of my writing goals.

HELP!!  What do I do to get out of this job without losing my benefits??!!  How can I better cope?!