Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Here I Am Again

It is so darn frustrating. Almost 4:00 and this is the first moment to sit down on the computer and try to do something. Which should be to work on my writing project for a client. Yes, I'll get right on that.

What's irritating is that I feel so LIMITED in my abilities to do ANYTHING AT ALL for me in my personal/professional life.  To have everything sapped out of me from being a stay at home mom can be very exhausting and discouraging.

I had 30 minutes of exercise time to myself this morning but then right away at home I had to feed the l'il chicken hawk, diaper him, do laundry, grab food, then head out the door to get my happy campers.  Then beg, plead and threaten them to take a nap so we can go to the circus tonight.

In less than two hours, I will need to leave the house again to go pick up our Finnish student.  So really, not a lot of time to think and be productive.  

Perhaps working out of the home is not a great idea.  I need a sitter. I need peace and quiet.  I need solitude.  Remind me again why I chose to have three kids?  Oh yeah, to increase the joy in my life.  It is a lot of thankless responsibility to care for them. They are becoming quite skilled in verbal warfare too lately.  "I want a new mommy" (littlest chickadee).  "You're mean" (oldest chickadee). Or they'll spit at me or shout "NO!" Or any other disrespectful crap they spew.  

I need a day out of the week just for ME! Remember that lady who went on strike from her family and ended up moving into the tree house in the backyard? That will end up being me someday - just wait and see!  Sounds like it might make for a great office space.
Can't find me up here!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

BlogHer 2011 - T-2 Weeks Away!

BlogHer 2011 in San Diego is almost here and I've hardly had enough time to think about it and prepare.  It seems everyone is buzzing about it, so now I'm getting nervous.  

It's my first blogging conference, and I really just want to gain knowledge and insight.  I am not going to be discovered or impress anyone.  I'm actually just hoping to be a wallflower and soak it all in.  Party it up and get wasted? Not so much - my family is coming along and I'm still nursing, so it's not really an option.

I think it will be great to learn a ton from the blogging community for my marketing communications profession.  But then again, I'm not even sure I want to be in marketing or social media anymore.  I'm bored of it all.  

Now I know I sound like a wet blanket; I'm aware of how pathetic I sound.  I think I'm still mildly depressed and pumped full of postpartum hormones.  Under prolonged stress of being unemployed and staying at home with 3 kids. Keeping up with a massive amount of laundry, pee pee/poo poo pants, meals, domestic humdrum, etc. It's all just so damn exciting!

I have aspirations.  I have passions.  I have knowledge, experience and people skills (hee hee Office Space reference). Whatever though - I have NO TIME or ENERGY to get out of my paralyzing slump.  Having 3 kids just happens to just slow me down way more than I ever expected.  

If my asshat of a boss hadn't pulled his shit on me by terminating me on maternity leave, I would be working and keeping my head clear this very minute.  I hated him though, so I'm glad I'm not working for him.  I have no clue what I'm going to do next though. Job, author, small biz owner, freelancer, SAHM - what???  So lame to not have a clue when I've always been so driven.  

So back to BlogHer... we're staying in a hotel in the GasLamp area and I'll be hoofing it to the convention center.  Either that or hitch a ride with one of the bicycling taxi drivers.  
Where the parties are at!

Agenda? Not sure yet. Parties? The low-key ones where I would be comfortable and hopefully be inspired in some way.
I've heard other chick bloggers mention that 'mommy bloggers' can be very cliquey or high schoolish.  I'm so not interested in that kind of scene.  I don't think I'll know anyone at this conference and that frightens me a little.  And my blog is really nothing that I want to market - it's just personal and messy and totally unprofessional - which is fine by me, really.

I also am not interested in jumping on the mommy marketing bandwagon.  I'm not a brand and I don't want to pimp out a bunch of products for someone.  I would only want to work with companies/products that I gel with and can feel passionate about.  But, honestly, with my personal, whiny, complaining posts, who would want their brand attached to it. But, again, I'm totally OK with that too. 

I am just so nervous because everyone seems to be hyping it up and I have no clue what to expect.  They are fretting about their outfits - I couldn't care less.  San Diego = casual.  If there was going to be a convention center full of hot guys who are into chicks with 3 kids, I would certainly worry about what I wear and how I look.  Otherwise - eh.  

Let's see if I can shake my BLAHS in the near future. I'm sure my family would appreciate it!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

The Outcome of Long-Term Smoking

Have you ever seen the results of someone smoking almost 50 years?  Well, my mom is now seeing the physical effects of her long-term chain smoking habit and she's scared enough to finally stop.

She was hospitalized a few days ago because she could not breathe at all.  She went to the ER with 0% oxygen in her blood supposedly.  They told her it was bronchitis and there weren't any signs of cancer in her lungs.  They kept her 3 days, however, to do more tests.  
Coughing up a lung is FUN!

Friday, July 8, 2011

Will Work for Sanity

I want to work. I want to go to an office again. I want to drop my kids off in the loving, nurturing hands of a daycare provider. I want to sip my coffee leisurely as I skim through my emails. I want to say "good morning" to coworkers and hear about their lives. I want to be responsible for projects. I want to be uninterrupted for an hour at a time.

I am currently trying to work from home. It's futile. I have a writing project that I've been trying to work on for a week. Shouldn't be too hard. Somehow it feels IMPOSSIBLE. I'm easily distracted and interrupted. I'm worn down. I'm a mom responsible for 3 kids. Yes, my hands are full. I always thought working from home would be the ideal scenario. But honestly, it might be if I had daycare lined up. As it stands, I'm doing everything myself and that's a full time job (unpaid) by itself.

Might as well just resign myself to my new reality, right? It doesn't make sense to go to work right now with so many children and variables. I will wait it out and keep trying.

This writing needs to be done. I can't think clearly. It's quiet and peaceful for the moment as all are sleeping, but the l'il chickenhawk will awake soon. Must. Write. Now.  It seems I've lost my ability to be sharp-minded and convincing in my marketing writing. Where is the passion and drive? Gone??? Hope not.

Enough procrastination.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Dwelling on the Family Dysfunction

Sometimes I get so entrenched in trying to solve the problems of my family in my head. What caused this or that, why does it seem like everyone in my bio-family are jacked up and what can I do differently with my own children to try to break the cycle of dysfunction?  

I sometimes even wonder if I should have had children at all considering that this dysfunction might be hereditary and there may be nothing I can do to stop it.

My family doesn't have extremely awful habits or behavior that can really damage a kids psyche or life (physical/sexual abuse, drug abuse, violence, etc.), it's just more or an emotional neglect and general lack of parenting that make us dysfunctional in my mind. 

Having my parents split up when I was 2 and then my mom being mostly unavailable and uninterested has created a big hole in my heart that I'm still healing from.