Thursday, September 22, 2011

Woe Is Me

I'm feeling the familiar unsettled irritation of not having a job to go to.  Yes, it's true, I have a job taking care of three children.  There is the required clothing, feeding, cleaning, chauffeuring, teaching, coaching, disciplining and more.  But can't someone else just do it while I pursue my career goals and bring in some cash?  Well, there is that daycare cost issue too, so I really wouldn't be bringing in so much extra...but I might be a bit happier!

Or not.  I'm starting to see how I carry my pity parties with me wherever I go, no matter what situation I'm in.  Just be happy damn it! I'm listening to a lot of audio books lately with a 'DREAM BIG and ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS!' theme.  I have always had goals to achieve and I feel that I've met all of them.  Then I had kids.

With three young kids, I feel I am limited in my abilities to pursue much.  I am held back by schedules to keep and lives to manage.  I'm happy if I get to the gym regularly.  Raising a family isn't really a life goal is it?  It's not really tangible and measurable.  I'm not sure if my being there for them more the past year has made much of an impact on them either.  It's a grueling and ungratifying position most days.  But at least I'm my own boss. (Sort of).

I told myself I would find a part time job this fall or winter and/or get my writing business going more.  I have gotten two regular writing gigs which I'm super psyched about.  Now I struggle with maintaining a regular writing schedule and maintaining professional responsiveness.  I feel unorganized, scatterbrained, unprofessional and full of excuses.  I really miss going to an office setting and socializing with coworkers.  And my gorgeous office with the beautiful, serene view of the nature preserve!!! Oh well... I hated my boss.

I'm taking two business classes this upcoming week to learn more about making money from my own ideas and from home.  They promise to be legitimate business concepts and not 'Get Rich Quick' schemes.  I bet you anything though that they will both emphasize the importance of finding your passion and finetuning your goals first and foremost.  Which is my dilemma. 

What am I passionate about? Myself?  ha ha.  Reading, listening to music, daydreaming, exercising.  I like to write - or so I tell myself.  I'm starting to even doubt my abilities at that.  I like ideas.  Accumulating information to share with others in a barrage of unwelcome advice and opinions.  I like coming up with ideas and I don't like following them through to fruition. 

I don't need to be rich.  But I don't want to feel pinched.  I want to be respected for my skills and abilities professionally instead of just being known as so-and-so's mom.  I don't want to surround myself with other moms and their offspring just because that's what mom's are supposed to do and it's good for kids' socialization.  I want to work on something interesting and fun and fulfilling.  AND MAKE MONEY!

What though???  And with what free time???

Sigh... better get back to reality and work on my client's project before the little chicken hawk wakes up and I need to pick up the little chickadee from preschool.

Keep your comments and feedback coming - I love hearing your advice and pep talks.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


I am feeling my homesickness settling in again.  The melancholy of it.

I miss my hometown, my longtime friends, the familiarity, the fresh air and nature - even my family.

I miss my mom, even her negativity and grouchiness.  Her napping on the couch watching her VHS tapes of Young and the Restless.  My sister and my ease with each other and like-mindedness.  I miss my friends' sense of humor and shared history with each other.

I miss my brother - even his lost-ness.  I never know when I might get a call saying he's died and I don't want to have a chance to say goodbye to him.  I often picture him as he was as a young boy - sweet, innocent, bright blue eyes, big smile and laugh.  It's too hard to think of him as he is now - a train wreck, a man child.  But I have to realize that if he's okay with his life, I should be too.  I can't mold him into the person I think he should be.

I am not going to travel home for the holidays.  The last time I was back home was Easter 2011.  I usually fly home at least for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Now that I have 3 kids and no job, and the flights are ridiculous, it's just not a reality.  Plus - I think it's time for us to make memories as a family in our own house and quit lugging everyone around to go somewhere else.  It's time for my mom to visit me for once.  It's time to let go of my clingy-ness to home and my fear of being away.

I don't want to be a Californian, but here I am.  Time to embrace it.  The big guy isn't changing jobs, much less states anytime soon, so it's time to come to terms with it.  Make new friends, create new family, raise my own and stick to my guns.

My uncle was going to see if he could fly my mom down for Thanksgiving, but I'm not getting my hopes up.  She is a stubborn woman who is stuck in her ways.  She doesn't like traffic, she doesn't like heat (75 is too hot), and she doesn't like to be out of her comfort zone.  I don't know how long she's going to live for either now that she has COPD, and I miss her too.  I wish she could be a better mom and grandma.  I wish she wasn't such a stranger and so distant to me.  It hurts.  I act tough and composed, but it really does hurt me deeply.  Always has.  Everyone wants to have a loving parent, a cheerleader, a warm inviting home, hugs, a listening ear, an interested, involved mom.  Sad sad sad I don't have that sort of mom in my life.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Hello Kitty Fanatic Sighting

Hello Kitty fanatic spotted in South Orange County!

I literally had to chase this beauty down a residential street to capture the glory of it.

This mobile work of art includes:

  • Pastel pink rims

  • Massive Hello Kitty pillow display in the rear window

  • Dangling Hello Kitty charm on the bumper

  • Hello Kitty license plate frame

This work of art needs to be submitted to the Hello Kitty Hell website.

Hello Kitty Rims, rear window pillows, license plate frame and charm.


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Little Baby Vlogger

Sorry, but I can't help myself playing with my new laptop's video program.  Here's my intro to vlogging. Nothing to it - even a baby can do it!

Serenity Now!

God, grant me the serenity to accept all the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, the sinful world as it is; not as I would have; trusting that you will make all things right if I surrender to your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life; and supremely happy with you forever in the next. Amen. -- Reinhold Niebuhr.