Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Homesick

I am feeling my homesickness settling in again.  The melancholy of it.

I miss my hometown, my longtime friends, the familiarity, the fresh air and nature - even my family.

I miss my mom, even her negativity and grouchiness.  Her napping on the couch watching her VHS tapes of Young and the Restless.  My sister and my ease with each other and like-mindedness.  I miss my friends' sense of humor and shared history with each other.

I miss my brother - even his lost-ness.  I never know when I might get a call saying he's died and I don't want to have a chance to say goodbye to him.  I often picture him as he was as a young boy - sweet, innocent, bright blue eyes, big smile and laugh.  It's too hard to think of him as he is now - a train wreck, a man child.  But I have to realize that if he's okay with his life, I should be too.  I can't mold him into the person I think he should be.

I am not going to travel home for the holidays.  The last time I was back home was Easter 2011.  I usually fly home at least for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Now that I have 3 kids and no job, and the flights are ridiculous, it's just not a reality.  Plus - I think it's time for us to make memories as a family in our own house and quit lugging everyone around to go somewhere else.  It's time for my mom to visit me for once.  It's time to let go of my clingy-ness to home and my fear of being away.

I don't want to be a Californian, but here I am.  Time to embrace it.  The big guy isn't changing jobs, much less states anytime soon, so it's time to come to terms with it.  Make new friends, create new family, raise my own and stick to my guns.

My uncle was going to see if he could fly my mom down for Thanksgiving, but I'm not getting my hopes up.  She is a stubborn woman who is stuck in her ways.  She doesn't like traffic, she doesn't like heat (75 is too hot), and she doesn't like to be out of her comfort zone.  I don't know how long she's going to live for either now that she has COPD, and I miss her too.  I wish she could be a better mom and grandma.  I wish she wasn't such a stranger and so distant to me.  It hurts.  I act tough and composed, but it really does hurt me deeply.  Always has.  Everyone wants to have a loving parent, a cheerleader, a warm inviting home, hugs, a listening ear, an interested, involved mom.  Sad sad sad I don't have that sort of mom in my life.

No comments:

Post a Comment