Thursday, September 22, 2011

Woe Is Me

I'm feeling the familiar unsettled irritation of not having a job to go to.  Yes, it's true, I have a job taking care of three children.  There is the required clothing, feeding, cleaning, chauffeuring, teaching, coaching, disciplining and more.  But can't someone else just do it while I pursue my career goals and bring in some cash?  Well, there is that daycare cost issue too, so I really wouldn't be bringing in so much extra...but I might be a bit happier!

Or not.  I'm starting to see how I carry my pity parties with me wherever I go, no matter what situation I'm in.  Just be happy damn it! I'm listening to a lot of audio books lately with a 'DREAM BIG and ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS!' theme.  I have always had goals to achieve and I feel that I've met all of them.  Then I had kids.

With three young kids, I feel I am limited in my abilities to pursue much.  I am held back by schedules to keep and lives to manage.  I'm happy if I get to the gym regularly.  Raising a family isn't really a life goal is it?  It's not really tangible and measurable.  I'm not sure if my being there for them more the past year has made much of an impact on them either.  It's a grueling and ungratifying position most days.  But at least I'm my own boss. (Sort of).

I told myself I would find a part time job this fall or winter and/or get my writing business going more.  I have gotten two regular writing gigs which I'm super psyched about.  Now I struggle with maintaining a regular writing schedule and maintaining professional responsiveness.  I feel unorganized, scatterbrained, unprofessional and full of excuses.  I really miss going to an office setting and socializing with coworkers.  And my gorgeous office with the beautiful, serene view of the nature preserve!!! Oh well... I hated my boss.

I'm taking two business classes this upcoming week to learn more about making money from my own ideas and from home.  They promise to be legitimate business concepts and not 'Get Rich Quick' schemes.  I bet you anything though that they will both emphasize the importance of finding your passion and finetuning your goals first and foremost.  Which is my dilemma. 

What am I passionate about? Myself?  ha ha.  Reading, listening to music, daydreaming, exercising.  I like to write - or so I tell myself.  I'm starting to even doubt my abilities at that.  I like ideas.  Accumulating information to share with others in a barrage of unwelcome advice and opinions.  I like coming up with ideas and I don't like following them through to fruition. 

I don't need to be rich.  But I don't want to feel pinched.  I want to be respected for my skills and abilities professionally instead of just being known as so-and-so's mom.  I don't want to surround myself with other moms and their offspring just because that's what mom's are supposed to do and it's good for kids' socialization.  I want to work on something interesting and fun and fulfilling.  AND MAKE MONEY!

What though???  And with what free time???

Sigh... better get back to reality and work on my client's project before the little chicken hawk wakes up and I need to pick up the little chickadee from preschool.

Keep your comments and feedback coming - I love hearing your advice and pep talks.

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