Saturday, March 24, 2012

MIA Mom

My mom is MIA (missing in action). She has been for weeks, months, years and decades. My whole life.

I don't know what her fucking problem is, but I'm sick of getting her cold shoulder. I'm so sick of her neglectful parenting and grand-parenting. I've said this over and over and over again my entire life. I should be over it and be well-adjusted at this ripe old age. But I'm not. The longer the time gap, the more irate I become.

I call, I leave messages, then wait. And wait. And wait. When she does call me back, she only wants to talk for a few minutes about superficial topics. She shows no real interest in me, my feelings, my struggles, experiences or my family - HER family. Her grand-kids. Wouldn't it be so nice if she loved and spoiled her grand-kids like a normal grandma? Hmph.

So many times in my life I just wanted to write her off and never speak to her again, but it never seems to bother her at all. She's just so detached and uninterested. It stings. I want a loving mom in my life. I want a mother figure to nurture me and comfort me. Is it too much to ask for?

She doesn't drink, do drugs and never physically abused me, but she chain-smoked and gambled up a storm. At this time in my life, I know she's not going to live forever and I will miss her when she's dead. But I also miss her terribly now. It's as if she's dead already. I want to have a relationship with her. It doesn't need to be extremely lovey-dovey, but affectionate would be nice.

She's always been a depressive personality and anti-social, but to shut out your own kids?! Lame. I hope I'm never this distant with my own children.  Isn't that the whole point of having kids? To have that emotional connection and love? Apparently my mom has a heart of coal and doesn't need or want love. She lives alone with her 3 2 dogs (RIP Mouse.)

Please Lord, don't let me become my mother with age. I always want to be a good, loving mom who has a relationship with my kids. Amen.

3 comments:

  1. I feel exactly the same way about my mom. Exactly. The few times that I do see her per year she always asks when I am going to have another baby. I want to say "so you can ignore another grandchild?" So frustrating and depressing. I have no words of advice but lots of empathy.

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  2. My husband's mother is pretty cold. I've never seen her give him any sort of affection. However, he's grown cold to her too. Maybe it's easier for guys to cut themselves off from things or people that hurt them.
    My advice to you is to cut her off. Obvious and dumb advice I know. But I suggest that you re-focus your pain of not having a mom in your life and focus on having a great relationship with your own kids instead. She's the one that is missing out. You and your kids are really fantastic, super interesting, beautiful and funny people that the rest of us are LUCKY to have in our lives. I thank the stars everyday that you are my friend (even if you do suck and never email me and I never call you).
    Bottom line? She sucks now move on.

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  3. I'm smiling and welling up at the same time! Thank you both for your kind words and friendship! You are right - moving on would be healthy.

    I'm still waiting for my phone call Desiree ... Stop by after berry picking, would ya?

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