I am acutely aware of death and illness and the fragility of life lately. A childhood friend with three young daughters is battling breast cancer. Another childhood friend's husband just died suddenly at the age of 40. No one is saying the cause of death. I'm wondering if it's suicide or a drug overdose. It seems that they may have been separated or divorced, but I wasn't in the know about that. We are simply friends on Facebook now. Life is busy and people move away and grow apart.
Lately I've been having chest pains and having fear of death and illness. I live in a secret fear that maybe I have cancer and I will leave this earth prematurely. But today I had an appointment with a family practitioner and had an EKG and basic exam - I am apparently healthy from his assessment. My next appointment scheduled is for a mammogram, which I'm dreading. Squeezing these already deflated breasts to an even more smaller size is not something I want to endure. Then to wait for the results, envisioning the phone call with the bad news. Saying good bye to my family and friends. Ugh. Please stop my mind from going there.
The 40 year-old friend that died suddenly was two years older than I am, and hung out will a lot of the same guys I dated or had crushes on. So, when his friends post old photos on his Facebook page and share memories and loving sentiments, it makes me even more melancholy. The hot bods! The hair cuts! The youthful energy and invincibility! Every picture of him had a beer in it - and that's how I remember my high school and college years too. Drinking and smoking out with friends was everything.
This guy had a family history of addiction and alcohol abuse though. You shouldn't party forever. At some point you have to let go of immaturity and be a good husband and father, worker, member of society. I'm just speculating of course, but it seems to be a common theme with the partying crowd - clinging to the 'fun life'.
So this week I am feeling sad, melancholy and homesick. I wish I could visit my family and friends and give them all big hugs. I love all the people who have touched my life in some way and helped shaped who I am today.