To follow up from my
Reflections on My 20 Year High School Reunion, I had such a
good time!! I'm so glad I went! It was so
good seeing so many familiar faces after 20 years has passed. Except
some people were harder to recognize because of aging and my faulty memory. It was like a sensory overload to my brain!
Seeing my old friends again was the best. Laughing, reminiscing, catching up,
getting drunk... It was fuel for my soul. Friday night we went to a
martini bar for a casual gathering of those that could make it, which
many people showed up to. My friends and I got a lot of attention from
the guys for our youthful looks and nice physiques - which of course
felt good for my wounded ego.
I
miss being home for family, friends, beauty and greenery AND because I get more attention up there. No one pays
any attention to me here because there are millions of pretty faces and
great bodies. I don't exude the superficial, materialistic aura, so perhaps that
isn't a turn-on to the So Cal guys. Not that I'm looking for a date, but
I just miss getting glances here and there.
One of the guys I always
joked around with in high school showed up looking good
and wearing Drakkar Noir, which was a great touch. Drakkar totally takes
me back to high school! I spent a lot of time catching up with him and his friends and they were very complimentary to us. We closed the bar down that night and were
supposed to go to an after party, but the last time I did that at
the 10 year reunion, I was worthless the next day, so we just went home.
For
the reunion on Saturday night, I was so nervous and anxious, I drank heavily right away
(like everyone else), so now the conversations I had and the antics are a
little fuzzy. I had such a great time though talking to old friends and
joking around. I wish there was more time to really find out more about
people, but it went by too fast. My friend and I couldn't get enough of
flirting with our old guy friends while our husbands mingled amongst
themselves and the other husbands. I think they must have gotten a rise
out of it.
But now, several months later, I am
melancholy again. The years just rush by and they are all a blur. I'm
aging, becoming more serious and mature, stuck in a rut, more bitter,
losing my youth and cool-ness and I feel very isolated from friends; both here
in California and Washington and beyond. Everyone is busy with their families, kids, activities.
It's hard to foster friendships. It's hard to even foster a marriage
because we both work and have a big workload at home. It sucks. I want
to 'carpe diem' but I don't know how.
I also miss being
chased by guys - the thrill of the hunt. The roller coaster of emotions that accompany dating. I feel like that aspect of life
is O-V-E-R and that bums me out. Am I old news to my husband? Who would
want me, with 3 kids and a weak pelvic floor? Jellied hips and abs to
boot. The positive attributes I do have going for me it seems (according to others'
compliments of me and my own assessment):
- Good sense of humor
- Wit
- Smart
- Youthful
- Fun
- Slender
- Athletic
- Well-rounded
- Good mom
- Nice legs
- Pretty eyes, face and hair
- Down to earth/authentic
- Creative
Things I wish I could improve on:
- Melancholy
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Motivation
- Sexual drive
- Emotional connections
- Romance
- More spontaneous
- Better organized/clean
- Less of a complainer/nagger/task master
- Not so angry/bitter
- More of a cook/meal planner
- More energy and enthusiasm
- More optimistic
But there are things, as a woman, wife and mother that I absolutely just am NOT interested in. Meal planning, recipes, coupons, mini vans, SUVs or other 'practical' family vehicles (blech), scrapbooking, entertaining/dinner parties, stereotypical couples activities, mommy competitions, posturing, hum drum monotony I mean, matrimony, etc. Am I an alien for feeling this way?
I'm just so independent and I tend to go against the social norm I think. Perhaps this is a mini mid-life crisis. I am planning on finding a therapist to discuss it. But I dread having to explain myself to a dead-pan faced, ineffective person who doesn't get me. Plus, I don't want to face my imperfections and limitations. I already struggle with my esteem as is. I need a swift kick in the ass to get motivated to make the changes that need to be made. If I wasn't so exhausted...