I miss being home for family, friends, beauty and greenery AND because I get more attention up there. No one pays any attention to me here because there are millions of pretty faces and great bodies. I don't exude the superficial, materialistic aura, so perhaps that isn't a turn-on to the So Cal guys. Not that I'm looking for a date, but I just miss getting glances here and there.
One of the guys I always joked around with in high school showed up looking good and wearing Drakkar Noir, which was a great touch. Drakkar totally takes me back to high school! I spent a lot of time catching up with him and his friends and they were very complimentary to us. We closed the bar down that night and were supposed to go to an after party, but the last time I did that at the 10 year reunion, I was worthless the next day, so we just went home.
For the reunion on Saturday night, I was so nervous and anxious, I drank heavily right away (like everyone else), so now the conversations I had and the antics are a little fuzzy. I had such a great time though talking to old friends and joking around. I wish there was more time to really find out more about people, but it went by too fast. My friend and I couldn't get enough of flirting with our old guy friends while our husbands mingled amongst themselves and the other husbands. I think they must have gotten a rise out of it.
But now, several months later, I am melancholy again. The years just rush by and they are all a blur. I'm aging, becoming more serious and mature, stuck in a rut, more bitter, losing my youth and cool-ness and I feel very isolated from friends; both here in California and Washington and beyond. Everyone is busy with their families, kids, activities. It's hard to foster friendships. It's hard to even foster a marriage because we both work and have a big workload at home. It sucks. I want to 'carpe diem' but I don't know how.
I also miss being chased by guys - the thrill of the hunt. The roller coaster of emotions that accompany dating. I feel like that aspect of life is O-V-E-R and that bums me out. Am I old news to my husband? Who would want me, with 3 kids and a weak pelvic floor? Jellied hips and abs to boot. The positive attributes I do have going for me it seems (according to others' compliments of me and my own assessment):
- Good sense of humor
- Good mom
- Nice legs
- Pretty eyes, face and hair
- Down to earth/authentic
- Sexual drive
- Emotional connections
- More spontaneous
- Better organized/clean
- Less of a complainer/nagger/task master
- Not so angry/bitter
- More of a cook/meal planner
- More energy and enthusiasm
- More optimistic
I'm just so independent and I tend to go against the social norm I think. Perhaps this is a mini mid-life crisis. I am planning on finding a therapist to discuss it. But I dread having to explain myself to a dead-pan faced, ineffective person who doesn't get me. Plus, I don't want to face my imperfections and limitations. I already struggle with my esteem as is. I need a swift kick in the ass to get motivated to make the changes that need to be made. If I wasn't so exhausted...