Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Guest Post: "Perpetually Perturbed"

I often have quality vent sessions with one of my dear friends on my way to work in the mornings. She is adjusting to life with one year old twins and a demanding career. After one of our conversations recently, I insisted that she write to me with her work-life balance struggles. Of course she complained that she had no free time to write a quality post (she's a bit of a perfectionist), but I wouldn't relent. 

I'm so glad she did! I can relate with almost everything she said and have felt that inner struggle as a working mom. I hope you can relate and provide support for her too. Leave a nice comment for her if you are so inclined.

Guest Post: "Perpetually Perturbed"

Resentment and guilt, it looms in every feeling, thought, and decision I make daily. I guess this is what comes with being a working mom and wife. No person or thing is immune to being a target of my resentment, not even myself. Here is a little laundry list of my resentment targets, hopefully by getting them out there others will know they are not alone:
  1. Myself. I always promised myself I would never be a working mom. I resented my mom for working, not being a room mother, not dropping me off at school, in my eyes she simply didn't seem to care like the other moms who were there for their kids. 
  2. My husband. I will admit it, one of the attractive things about my husband was the promise of his high powered career. The fact that some day he would make partner and I would get to be there for our future family and home. Instead we still need my income and in order for me to handle my career I need more help from him and he has taken a lighter lower paying job to allow for that. It is frustrating. You try to not want what others have, but sometimes it is just so hard to tame the thoughts.
  3. My job. I feel like they talk the talk, but they don't walk the walk. Work life balance, it is like the thing companies like to say but rarely do. Here is a great example, many nights I come home, see my kids for an hour or two (if I am lucky) and then I do more work before bed. I even worked a weekend day recently and when I asked to have another day off they told me to fill out a vacation form. How do you expect people with stay at home wives, housekeepers, and nannies to really understand and respect what work life balance means. I certainly don't as I live it everyday.
Does being a working mom really mean not being good at any one thing? Just being mediocre and getting by? That is how I feel now, there is no time, and I am just trying to keep my head above water. Being any kind of mom is difficult, but the daily battle of resentment and guilt that comes with being a working mom is much more difficult than I could have ever imagined. 

All this said, I wouldn't trade a thing for my kids. At the end of my day which often gets dark, they are my light; when I see their smiles, I melt. I see both my husband and myself in them and it is amazing, it is us together. And they don't care that I look a wreck, have gotten fat or just put my hair in a pony tail. They are awesome.

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