Sunday, February 10, 2013

Self-Loathing Sunday

While sitting in church this morning, before I was infused with inspiration and peace, I was dwelling on negative thoughts about myself. Old Debbie Downer/Negative Nellie reared her ugly head. Which led me to ponder creating a new Sunday blog series featuring my own self-loathing. Not to necessarily wallow in it, but to spew it out for the purpose of releasing it and its power over me.

Here are some of the bitter thoughts I feel about myself (when I'm having a pity party); I am:
  • Worthless
  • Pointless
  • Irrelevant 
  • Friendless
  • Alone
  • Unlovable
  • Boring
  • Uninteresting
  • Unconnected (in real life, not virtually), therefore doomed to failure
  • Doomed to remain poor
  • Doomed to remain insignificant 
  • Spinning my entrepreneurial wheels with pointless ideas and going nowhere
  • Wasting time with nonsense
  • Disconnected from God and spirituality
  • Disconnected from my husband
  • Homely looking
  • Aging
  • Gullible
  • Hopeless romantic (about believing all things are possible; not so)
  • Never going to amount to anything
  • Judgmental
  • Harsh
  • Mean
  • Tough
  • Doomed to repeat my family dysfunction
  • Uncreative
  • Unoriginal
  • A farce
  • A fraud
  • Delusional about my coolness
  • Out of style
  • I don't fit in here in Orange County; do I fit in anywhere?
  • Will I ever meet cool peeps here? (Silly question; I know lots of cool peeps here.)
  • Church is stupid and pointless and the pastor is a conman 
  • Technology and social media is stupid and pointless and a waste of time

Once I'm in this mindset, it gets very hard to break free of the negative loop in my mind. It is paralyzing. But as always, church was just what I needed to remind me of the immense value I have to God (and my family and those few that do love me.)

Although my mind wandered throughout the service, there were some powerful verses in the message that spoke to me. Here are some:
“We know that God causes everything to work together for the good
of those who love God and are called according to his purpose
for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose
them to become like his son, so that his Son would be the
firstborn, with many brothers and sisters.”   Rom. 8:28-29 (NLT)
“Let us strip off anything that slows us down or holds us back, and
especially those sins that wrap themselves so tightly around our
feet and trip us up; and let us run with patience the particular race that God has set before us.”   Heb. 12:1 (LB)
“After you suffer for a short time, God, who gives all grace, will
make everything right. He will make you strong and support you
and keep you from falling. He called you to share in his glory in
Christ, a glory that will continue forever.”   1 Peter 5:10 (NCV)

“I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or
that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward
that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and
wants me to be... I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all
my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking
forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and
receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling
us up to heaven.” Phil. 3:12-14 (NLT) 
“Lift up your tired hands, then, and strengthen your trembling
knees! Keep walking on straight paths, so that your lame foot may
not be disabled, but instead be healed.”  Heb. 12:12-13 (TEV) 
- Courtesy of Saddleback Church 
Our pastor has a compelling way with words and he often has inspirational anecdotes and guest speakers. Today he had a young girl with cerebral palsy on stage to speak about overcoming her disability, while planning to run a 5k with her friends. She has to continue to force herself to get back up again each time she falls down; much like all of us need to do when life trips us. Her speech did make all my internal complaining seem very petty after all.

Any SNL fans out there? Here is my Daily Affirmation by Stuart Smalley: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." I will continue to try to turn my frown upside down. Any more cliches I can add here?

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