Sunday, April 6, 2014

Self-Loathing Sunday

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Sundays are not always my favorite days. It should be a day of rest, recuperation and leisure. Instead I feel pressure to tackle EVERYTHING that has been neglected throughout the work week: cleaning, groceries, laundry, blogging, side business... The problem is, it's too huge to tackle, and the three year old is so busy, that I am demotivated and I can't get to anything.

It is 10:00 am and I've drafted up a wish list of things I should try to do in the next few hours when the cartoons run continuously. We're skipping church because that takes up too much of the precious morning hours and since I'm the only adult home this weekend, I'm making the executive decisions.

I'm not totally wallowing in self pity today though. I feel a little hopeful and inspired that today will be a good day and the coming work week will be great as well. I don't necessarily care that the house is completely trashed after paying a housecleaner a month ago and killing myself to keep it clean last weekend. It's this season of my life and I should accept it.

I'm one month away from my 40th birthday and I've attempted to get fit with sufficient success. I'm psyched for my big birthday bash at the beach!

The one thing that is leaving me feel crappy today and lately is a deep sense of sadness and loneliness. I have happy moments interspersed with times of melancholy. I feel invisible to my husband and neglected. We're so busy and occupied with our jobs, the kids and the house. We never go on dates, have in depth conversations about things other than tasks, there is limited affection, we're practically celibate. It's not a good time in our marriage.

This is my biased opinion because I'm experiencing emotional angst over turning 40 and going through a little bit of a midlife crisis. I want him to pay attention to me, compliment me, desire me, pursue me and lift me up out of my funk. Instead, it seems he shuts me out and gives all his attention to the dog, his job, his volunteer role and the kids. I'm sure that's the same way he feels about me too. We're both so busy and prideful, we won't stop to say ENOUGH and sit down to talk to one another.

Last weekend we got in a big fight in front of the kids because he accused me of ignoring everyone all day (I was cleaning and listening to an audio book while they played or did their own thing.) So I felt defensive and went on the attack. Which turned into Daddy O becoming passive aggressive victim, calling me a name calling bully. He insinuated that I didn't do enough around the house, which is a common accusation from him. He fails to recognize the massive load of domestic crap I do that goes completely unnoticed, but I don't need a gold star for.

I keep thinking, "I would be better off single; at least I could date and get laid." But then again, I know the reality would be a lot harsher. I'm not up for having my life WORSE off!

For now, it's back to the To Do list! What do you have going on today? Are you excited for Monday? ;)

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