Sunday, April 5, 2015

Easter Joy

Greetings and happy Easter!

This weekend was full of family fun time and now it's the end of the weekend, all the wee ones are sleeping and I should be heading that direction too. I thought I'd give blogging another go since it's fallen to the wayside.

This morning I wanted to skip church and go straight to the beach to kayak or stand up paddle. I'm glad we went to church though. We went to a new 'campus' of our mega church and it was actually very peaceful and beautiful. The kids loved it too. I think we'll be back each Sunday.

After church we went to Baby Beach in Dana Point. I laid out and took a nap (a first falling asleep at the beach since having kids); what awoke me was a Smashball ball landing between my upper thighs. Awkward.

The oldest chickadee set up a play tent and hid in it, Daddy-O and the other two kids built a sandcastle. Sorry to say, I don't enjoy building sandcastles, moats or any of that sand digging activity. I can see the merits for children, but I have no interest. There were people out paddling around and I wanted to be one of them. Luckily, Daddy-O agreed to rent a kayak for an hour and we took turns with one kid at a time paddling around the bay. That was fun and the kids enjoyed it. Next time - SUPing!!

After the beach, I went to my massage appointment where I have a membership. I got a man assigned to me as that was all that was available. I'm always hesitant to have a dude massage me, but I've been giving it a chance lately as all massage therapists and massages are different and I like to see what I like best. This guy was much older in appearance than I've experienced in the past and it surprised me. He also had a strange speech pattern; it shook/modulated a little.

Luckily it was a very therapeutic massage, even though I was creeped out a little throughout. At one point he climbed on the table and dug his elbow in my butt muscles. I'm glad I left my underwear on; I thought he might try to hump me in the name of 'massage therapy'. But seriously, he targeted lots of neglected areas of my body (except for my privates).

I made an okay dinner of broiled chicken legs, steamed sweet potatoes and angel hair pasta and the kids ate some of it. Some of it landed on the floor and over the table too. For the millionth time I found myself wishing we had an 'Alice' (Brady Bunch). There is too much for us to do and not enough of us to go around and no energy to keep a clean house. It continues to discourage me. I try to force the kids to get involved and it's such a battle. Child labor, damn it!!

I'm sort of glad to be back to work tomorrow, but also dreading it. The little nuisances, the meetings, the deadlines, too many emails, being rushed, harried, eating lunch at my desk, not getting enough movement throughout the day... I can't keep up with work or home!

I've been mildly depressed for quite some time and now I feel like I'm nearing a breakdown. I don't know what one is but I feel at risk for having one. Thoughts of running away, feeling trapped in a rat race, not feeling joy in anything, angry, bitter, unmotivated, unloving. Maybe I'm having a midlife crisis but I don't know how to feel better. I am trying to eat really healthy, limit caffeine, work out, etc. but I think I need to see a counselor. A counselor that I can dump everything on and hopefully get clarity.

I've made it seven months at my new job surprisingly! I've survived this far. I didn't think I would. I don't think I want to stay there long term, but I am trying to make it a year at least. I need to give it my extreme effort to keep up the workload and try to make a difference in my role. I've really enjoyed getting to know most the people I work with.

I'm going to try to blog regularly. Even though less than 30 people read my posts, maybe one or two people can relate with what I'm going through. Yes, I vent a lot. But I need to let some of this crap out instead of having it bottled up inside me all the time.

Leave a comment below if you're so inclined. :)