It's been almost four months since I posted last. It shouldn't be so difficult to publish snippets from life. I'm always thinking of what I want to say to a handful of readers. It also is somewhat therapeutic to put the thoughts out there.
One month ago I started a new job! Yay me. I was super excited and anticipating the new opportunity. Five months off full time work was at times difficult. Although I did enjoy the extra time with the kids to do homework, tidy up, exercise, etc. I started wondering if I was getting too old, if I liked my chosen career path anymore, if I was cut out for the business world, etc. I was ecstatic to get a job offer so quickly after really putting effort into the job search (and not just pondering getting a job).
This new job is super close to home, which is a huge relief for me. Also, my new boss lady seemed very cool when I interviewed and first started out. I was looking forward to working and collaborating with someone else. Having a regular paycheck and benefits was attractive too.
Now that I'm a month in, however, I'm beginning to feel the familiar creeping in of anxiety, doubt, anger, resentment and resistance. I'm struggling with being productive, focused and also enthusiastic. I've been plagued with an oppressive sense of doom today. It's causing me to be depressed and thinking of finding a new job or quitting already.
The boss who claimed to be one thing, has been slowing but surely showing herself to be the very opposite. Micromanaging, meetings after meetings, workaholic tendencies, critical... I am already a little insecure and unstable from being unemployed, so it's making me unnerved.
Daddy-O mentioned I should see a psychologist and be medicated probably for 'faulty thinking'. I'm so unreasonable in his opinion. BUT - I'd hate to schedule any doctor's appointments without receiving the proper approvals and time off. Plus, I'm not certain I want to be on anti-depressants.
I'm trying not to lose sight of the big picture, but I was inundated by all the emails I got from the boss lady today on projects/tasks/timelines etc. I can't keep it all straight and I can't stay focused enough to finish a task. I honestly feel I'm struggling a bit with ADD. Should I try one of my daughter's meds? (kidding).
In addition to adjusting to work life again, my oldest chickadee (10) is acting out at home, school, after school care and with friends. She is struggling to complete assignments, take tests and even be nice. It's exasperating, unending, sad and more. I'm so discouraged. I don't have the tools. All the negative attention she's getting... There are only a few weeks left of school and some of her grades are pathetic!
It's hard to be enthusiastic and hopeful sometimes. I can't envision ways to make life better. I am going through the motions of survival. Finding little slivers of joy and laughter here and there. I have many friends sprinkled about here and there, but most of them are consumed with their lives and families. I am missing more female friendship and good conversation. I feel isolated at times, even though I know I'm not. I get to see friends regularly.
I'm also pissed off with my/our finances. We live in a relatively expensive area of Southern California. Our house is in sad shape in my opinion. We don't make enough money to afford much. We have three kids. My car is 10 years old and has dings down both side panels. We have accrued some debt that doesn't seem to budge. I feel resentful about that. I want to be driving a roomier, newer car to feel proud about. I want to live in a more spacious, organized and tidy house. Certainly, the key is to try to be content with what I/we have, but I don't like feeling like everyone else is succeeding at the game of life and I'm failing.
What's wrong with me? I think I need professional help. But I'm too weak and afraid to take the steps. I tried meeting with three different therapists this year for guidance, support and help, but I don't think it was very effective. Plus, I'm frugal with money, time and energy. Sigh...
I'll try to write more to relieve some of the angst. Maybe someone will have some good insight for me; I hope so. Please consider leaving a comment below.