Sunday, November 27, 2016

Actual Tears Shed in the Workplace

It's happened. The unspeakable. Tears fell from my eyes at work. This is something that hasn't happened in EVER (that I can recall). I've worked since I was 12 years old in a lot of jobs, some of them pretty crappy. But crying at work isn't something I find acceptable. I try to keep all my emotions in check at work.

Not only did I cry, I sobbed. When I couldn't control it at my desk, I went to a bathroom stall and let it out. All my anger, frustration, confusion and powerlessness came to a head. It's hard to say if it's related to the holidays, my aunt passing away, my marriage ending or all of it accumulated, but what set me over the top was my controlling, borderline abusive boss.

The afternoon prior, I'd left our holiday volunteer event 15 minutes prior to scheduled ending because I needed to get to a personal appointment. I didn't get a group photo of the volunteers before I left because of leaving early, as well as my hands were deep in the food we were serving. I'd also published promotional posts on our work social media related to our volunteer event without her review/approval. She knew I had the appointment, but she acted like I hadn't asked her and I had just snuck away. She is the type that you have to ask for permission in writing. Leaving early negated getting the group photo, and I realize that it's part of my role to get that. I messed up and tried to apologize. Posting on social media without her approval is just a ridiculous charge.

So that same night of the event, she emailed me with her list of offenses I'd committed. I knew that I would hear all about it the next day. I wrote back with my defense. Then she came into the office the next morning and I already felt really sullen and filled with dread. I went in to her office to try to talk to her and she started blowing up. Some things she said: "You need to own your shit", "Your defiance", "You need to get out of your head"... I was stunned and hurt. I felt attacked and angry.

Some of my 'woe is me' thoughts: why does she have to make it personal? What did I do that was so horrific? Why do I feel so targeted? Why can't I do anything right in her eyes? Why does she have to control every little thing? Why can't I ever be happy working anywhere? Why would a boss do that?! What is wrong with her?! What is wrong with me?!

She ended up walking away without us resolving it and going to a colleague's office. Likely to talk about me. I sat at my desk and started to well up. Then I started crying, then let myself go to the bathroom to sob. When I came back, of course people noticed. She then tried to soften her approach and talked to me about my personal life and suggested I go elsewhere to work remote. (I think so others didn't realize she'd made me cry as it would be a bad reflection on her.)

Like usual, I didn't stand up for myself adequately in this situation because she intimidates me. We don't have an HR department and the president is rarely in the office. But we did talk it out and some of the air was cleared. The team gave me a sincere greeting card for the loss of my aunt. The day went better as it went on, as her morning anger melted and she transformed into a jovial, social person in the company. But the damage has been done. I don't know what crazy shit show I signed up for, but I need to save myself and my career.

I'm starting to question my perceptions and how much is reality or what seems to be depression. I feel paralyzed by everything and burdened. Irritated and annoyed. Everything is a task. Nothing is a joy. How am I supposed to get better? People always have helpful advice. I take it for the most part. But a new therapy I will begin to take is journaling. (Which is like blogging, but even more free style.) Where I can really drop some F-bombs.

Other useful depression therapy advice commonly recommended (many of these I try):
  • Exercise
  • Yoga
  • Meditate
  • Mindfulness
  • Healthy diet
  • Good rest
  • Friendships/connectedness
  • Gratitude journal
  • Positive self talk
  • Limit caffeine 
  • Limit alcohol
  • Give back to the community
  • Self care (massage, nail salon...)
  • Nature/outdoors
  • Therapy
  • Music
  • Self help books
  • Support groups 
  • Church
  • Prayer
One thing I haven't tried is anti-depressant medication. I think I'm there, ready to give it a try. I am tired of living with sadness and anger and anxiety and fear. I'm trying to 'snap out of it' but it's not working. The holidays and the stress of marital separation is making it worse.

I am reading Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly right now and it's been pretty therapeutic so far. I wish I could retain those nuggets of wisdom when I'm feeling the most vulnerable and stressed. Or when I feel personally attacked at work.

Tomorrow is Monday. Ugh. After the Thanksgiving break. Double ugh. I hope I can get through the week staying on her good side and doing an acceptable job. (I FEEL LIKE A VICTIM OF ABUSE WHERE SHE IS CONDITIONING ME AND CONTROLLING ME SO I WALK ON EGG SHELLS). Am I crazy or am I correct in my assumption?

Needless to say, I'm on the hunt for my next opportunity. I need to be secure, content and productive when I work. I'm wasting my time and talents at this place. Hmph.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Six Months into New Job and Over It

Book to add to my Working Mom Reading List
Pardon my rant... but being a working mom sucks right now. Employers who promise flexibility and then end up not delivering on that promise suck. Occupying all my working hours with lame, unproductive meetings and demanding strategies, tactics and timelines for the most mundane projects that don't require that much time, is asinine. I should be able to get the actual work done, but no - layers upon layers of approvals and shit are preventing it. So I should bring my work home with me at night and on the weekends to try to be productive?! In addition to parenting, domestic chores, physical fitness, etc.?! Ugh. I don't like being a grown up sometimes.

I'll continue trying to make the best of it, though. Save my pennies, work on building my resume, look for a new job, network... I'm six months in. Holidays are upon us. I need a vacation from that place. They are wonky. Like people have to be physically in their seat at their desk to be working. And heaven forbid if you leave to take a real lunch or do errands. F that. We're not performing neuroscience or sending astronauts to the moon.

So my last two jobs have really sucked. Perhaps I'm in the wrong career field. Maybe I was wrong when I chose it. Maybe I'm getting too old to do it anymore. Perhaps I'm better suited to be a bus driver or a self storage attendant. Things are so different when you study them in college than the real world. Then you have to deal with real dickheads and control freaks.

I have 20+ more years of this working life shit. How in the world will I make it through? I need a change. I could see if working was my only commitment. But I have a lot more to be concerned with. I want to enjoy my kids more. They are now 11, 9 and almost 6 and require a lot of time, effort, instruction, refereeing, help, food, transportation... there's only so much of me to go around. And I'm SO DAMN TIRED.

I know I've been melancholy and I've sought help from online therapy (Talk Space), and it helps a little. I'm also exercising as much as possible, not drinking alcohol regularly, trying to do good self care, etc. It helps some. But then I'm back at work and anxious, stressed and annoyed. I guess I have a low tolerance for bullshit.

I will keep trying. I will work on persevering. I will remain upbeat as much as possible. I will work more on setting boundaries with people. I will work on being patient and loving with myself when I don't succeed at balance. I will continue to do the best I can. I will try to find ways to laugh as much as possible and not let uptight people get the better of me.

Any other advice you may have, feel free to leave it in a comment below. Any books, podcasts, blogs, movies that you recommend?